Musical Cat

Visiting a friend, a music professor was impressed to hear beautiful piano music coming from within. He was astounded when he entered and saw it was a large black tom cat at the keyboard.

"Taught himself." said his friend proudly.

"That's amazing!" said the professor.

"He composed that particular piece, himself." his friend said.

"Astounding!" said the professor."Have you thought of having it orchestrated?"

The cat suddenly dived out through the window and hasn't been seen since.

Think Positive

A sailor was the sole survivor of a shipwreck, and as he staggered ashore on some unknown tropical beach he found himself surrounded by hundreds of screaming, spear-waving warriors.

"Strewth!" the sailor muttered to himself, "I'm finished!"

"No you're not!" a voice boomed inside his head. "Don't be negative. Think positive, take firm, swift action."

"Who's that?" the sailor asked.

I'm your guardian angel," the voice replied. "Now listen carefully. Grab the spear from that little fellow with the bone in his nose and plunge it right into the heart of the chief.... the one with all the feathers on his head."

"Right!" said the sailor, grabbing the spear and stabbing the warrior chief.

And as the chief collapsed to the ground, the voice said;"NOW you're finished."

"I'm the editor of the city paper," said the captive.

"Good," said the cannibal. "Tomorrow you'll be editor-in-chief."

How can you tell if a politician is level headed?

He dribbles out of both sides of his mouth.

Public Speaking

The guest speaker at a charity dinner had stayed on for a couple of drinks, but he looked worried and dejected.

"Is anything bothering you?" asked the chairman.

"Yes, there is as a matter of fact," said the speaker. "That member over there came up and told me that my speech was the worst he'd ever heard."

"Ignore him," advised the chairman.

"He's just one of those blokes who go around repeating what everybody else says."

In the Saddle

About to take his first horseback ride, the novice was checking out the horses in the stable when the old cowboy in charge asked him if he wanted an English saddle or a western saddle.

"What is the difference?" asked the novice.

"Well", said the cowboy," the English saddle is flat, and the Western saddle has a horn in front.

"Better give me the English saddle" the novice replied. "I don't expect to be riding in traffic."

Long Life

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise!"

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

He thought for a moment, and replied, "Twenty-six."

Christmas Angel

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.

He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

At the Vets

A woman rushed into he vet's surgery carrying her ailing pet. "Please," she beggsd, "You've got to do something for my dog!"

The vet led her to the examining room and gently lay the animal on the table. After a brief check of the body, the vet declared, "Madam, I'm afraid your dog is dead."

"Oh, no," sobbed the woman, "He can't be! Please, I beg you, there must be something you can do to help him!"

So the vet took a closer look. He lifted one of the dog's eyes, felt it's nose, felt the chest for a pulse, but there was no sign of life.

"I really am sorry madam, but your dog is gone," said the vet.

The woman began to sob, "Oh, Please! Isn't there something you can do to help him? ANYTHING!"

The vet sighed, then said, "Well, there is one more thing I can try." He went into the next room for a moment, and returned with a live cat. Grasping the cat firmly in one hand, he waved the hissing feline in the dogs face, all around the dogs body, then in the dog's face again. But the dog just lay there. The vet returned the cat to the next room.

"I'm really sorry, madam,"said the vet on his return, "but your dog is really dead, and nobody can bring him back."

Regaining her composure, the woman sniffed, wiped away a tear, and said "Well, thank you for at least trying. How much do I owe you?" "That'll be $500", said the vet.

"What!?" the woman exclaimed. "But you didn't really do anything."

"Standard fee," said the vet "$20 for the examination and $480 for the cat scan."

God Bless Daddy

A man decided that it was time to teach his son how to say prayers, so he spent a few nights teaching the son the basics.

After the kid had learned them well enough to say on his own, the father instructed him that after he was done with the prayers each night, he was to choose someone special and ask for God's blessing for that person.

Well, little kids don't always realize that their pets aren't a person, so the first night the little boy said his prayers, he ended with "And, God, please bless my puppy." The guy thought that it was pretty cute.

However, the next morning the little dog ran out the door and was killed by a car.

That night when prayers were finished, the little kid asked God to bless his cat. And, sure enough, the next morning the cat slipped out and took on the biggest dog in the neighborhood and became breakfast.

The father had started to make a connection here, but decided that it was just coincidence.

But when on the third night the kid asked God to bless his goldfish, the father couldn't wait for morning so that he could check up on it. As soon as he looked in the bowl, he saw the fish floating upside down on the top.

That night the little kid ended with "God, please give an extra special blessing to my father."

The father couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat breakfast in the morning. He was afraid to drive to work. He couldn't get any work done because he as petrified. Finally quitting time came and he walked home, expecting to drop dead any minute.

When he arrived home, the house was a mess. His wife was lying on the couch still dressed in her robe and the dishes from breakfast were still on the table.

The father was furious. He started yelling at his wife, telling her that he had had the worst day of his life and she hadn't even got dressed.

She looked at him and said, "Shut up! My day was worse. The mailman had a heart attack on our front porch!"

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIG trouble!" The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

Quasimodo

Quasimodo(the Hunchback of Notre Dame) was looking for an assistant bell ringer. He got an assistant and he wanted to make sure the person was competent.

Quasi said "watch me and I'll show you the proper way to ring the bell." So Quasi lines up and runs full steam at the bell and throws himself face first at the bell. His head hits the bell and a loud thuuunnnngg is heard.

So the assistant tries it: he lines up, he runs, he throws himself at the bell and small dink is heard.

The assistant quickly says "let me try it again, this time I can do it better and really make that bell ring."

So he tries it again and once more as his head hits only a small dink sound is heard.

Quasi now grunts "one more try and if you can't make it ring you're fired."

This time the new guy takes a long run, gets going really fast and just as he throws himself at the bell, he slips and falls out the window and crashes on the ground below.

A crowd gathers around the body and a police below looks up and sees Quasi at the window far above. He shouts out "Quasi, do you know who this person is?"

Quasi grunts back "No, his face doesn't ring a bell."

As you may remember, Quasimodo had hired an assistant who ended up plunging to his death.

Well Quasi was upset by this, mostly because he was without an assistant. So he went looking for a new assistant and acquired this person who just happened to be the first assistant's brother.

Quasi was showing the new person around and demonstrating how to run, jump at the bell, hit it with your face and make a resounding "duuunnnngggg".

So the assistant tried; he ran at the bell, he jumped at the bell, and he missed the bell completely and instead went flying out the window, crashing to the ground below just like his brother.

A crowd gathered around the body, and a policeman - the same one who found the other body - looked up and saw Quasi at the window above. He yelled up and asked Quasi "Hey Quasi, do you know who this person is?"

Quasi looked down and grunted, "No, but he's a dead-ringer for his brother."

Who Stole My Horse?

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled.

No one answered.

"Alright, i'm gonna have another beer, and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time i finish, I'm gonna do what i dun in Texas! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

No Arms

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?" "Sure", said the bartender, and he did.

"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you`d be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth." "Certainly." And it was done.

"If," said the armless man, "you`d reach in my right hand pants pocket, you`ll find the money for the beer." The bartender got it.

"You`ve been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men`s room?"

"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there`s one in a filling station on the corner."

What's Your Story?

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently, it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has Been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.

As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!

By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.

Of course, he couldn't stand that or long, so he let go and fell- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.

I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over The edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.

I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands.

Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.

Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process Was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Yom Kippur Outing

It is Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year. An angel appears off a cloud, looking far down below onto a golf course, and what does he see? Why it's a rabbi. And he's playing golf on Yom Kippur.

"Look, there's a rabbi down there playing golf on the holiest day of the year...." the angel cries, as he jabs God in the ribs.

"... Whatcha gonna do?"

"Oh, I'll fix him, watch this!" says the Lord.

So the angel watches the rabbi as he lifts his golf club high over his shoulder, preparing to tee off. WHACK! goes his ball, high into the air, higher and higher, and then it seems to stop in midair, and then slowly it accelerates down towards... towards... towards... the hole? And PLUNK! A hole-in-one!

"Hey, I thought you were going to punish him, but instead he just got a hole- in-one!" complains the angel.

"You don't understand," replies God, "who can he tell?"

Lost an Eye

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The landlubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye.

The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"

His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."

Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?"

"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." answered the pirate.

"How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" asked the land-lubber.

The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

Two Evil Brothers

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

Whoosh!

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997 Ferrari GTO. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO, it cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money" says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be!" thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"

But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!

Whooooosh and KablaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh No! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers in a raspy breath, "Unhook...my suspenders...from your side-view mirror..."

The Last Word

"It says here," said the husband, "that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. That proves that women talk more than men," he added smugly.

"Of course," said his wife. "Women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say."

"What?" said her husband.

The Jealous Wife

The wife was terribly jealous. Evening after evening, she subjected her husband to a searching inspection. when she would find even a single hair on his coat, there would be a terrible scene!

One night, she found nothing.

"So" she screamed, "Now it's a bald-headed woman!"

Two Bats

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

What Happened?

Two men are walking down the street. The man on the left is dragging his right foot, the man on the right is dragging his left foot.

The man on the right says to the man on the left, "what happened to you?" Viet Nam, 1968..It was bad. The man then ask the man on the left, what happened to you?

"Oh, dog crap, about two blocks back."

Tight Skirt

A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she couldn't step up.

She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again. Skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more.

She still couldn't get on and lowered the zipper a third time. Suddenly, she felt two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto the bus. She spun around and said very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to do that!!"

The man responded, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

Peanuts

A preacher visited an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sat on the couch he noticed a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.

"Mind if I have a few" he asks.

"No, not at all" the woman replied.

They chatted for an hour and the preacher suddenly realised that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he had emptied most of the bowl.

"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts," he said. "I really just meant to eat a few."

"Oh that's all right," the woman said. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

Sleeping Pills

A 75 year old woman went to the doctor and told him she needed some birth control pills.

The doctor said, " You are 75 years old. Why would you need birth control pills?"

"To help me sleep at night," she said.

"How could they possibly help you sleep at night? " asked the doctor.

"Well," she explained, " I put them in my Granddaughter's orange juice every morning."

Starting to Work

A couple of old soldiers were reminiscing.

"Do you remember those pills the army used to give us in the second world war to keep our minds off girls?" asked one.

"Vaguely," said the other.

"Well….I think they're beginning to work."