Under the Table

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."

Sad news

Mick was drinking in the pub when the barman told him he was wanted on the phone. A few minutes later, he returned sobbing.

"What's wrong Mick?" asked his friends.

"Sad, sad news," wailed Mick. "My mother's just died."

Just then, another call came through for Mick. Once more he returned absolutely distraught.

"Oh, how much worse can this get?" he sobbed, "That was my brother… now his mother's dead too."

Swallowed pillow

Patient: "Doctor, I've swallowed my pillow."

Doctor: "How do you feel now?"

Patient: "A little down in the mouth."

Music Lovers

Two old ladies were sitting in the park enjoying the music.

"I think it's a minuet from Mignon," said one.

"I thought it was a waltz from Faust," said the other.

So the first old lady got up and shuffled over to a nearby noticeboard.

"We were both wrong ," she said. "It's a Refrain from Spitting."

Fireman's Dog

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close.

"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Beethoven

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard when, all of a sudden, he hears some music. No one is around, so he begins to search for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the ninth, then the seventh, then the fifth.

By the next day, the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker asks incredulously. "He's decomposing!!"

Love-starved

Stationed on a remote Pacific Island, a soldier wrote to his wife that he needed something to while away the hours so he wouldn't be preoccupied with all the beautiful native women. His wife sent him a harmonica and suggested he learn to play it.

A year later he came home and "Darling, I'm so love-starved! Let's go to bed right now!"

"Sure," she said, "but first, play me something on your harmonica."

Gold Bullion

Determined to hang on to his money when he died, a very rich man wished to be buried with a suitcase filled with gold bullion.

The day came when God called him home. St Peter greeted him, but said he couldn't bring his suit case. "What is in it?" he asked.

The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion.

St Peter was amazed. "Why in the world would you bring street surface?" he asked.

Nude Artist

A beautiful woman approached a prominent artist and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

"Sure," he said, "but I'll have to keep my socks on, otherwise I'll have nowhere to stick my brushes."

Two Drunks

Two drunks were about to board a train when they saw the sign, "Dogs must be carried."

"Hold it," said one, "where are we gonna get a dog at this time of night?"

Preacher's Horse

Two mountain preachers got together one day and one was showing the other his horses. The other preacher, needing a horse asked if he had any for sale.

"Why, yes I do" said the host. The sale was completed and the seller told the buyer, "There is something you need to know about your new horse. Instead of the standard 'gee and haw' I have trained this horse to respond to biblical verse. To get the horse going you say 'God is Great'; to get him galloping you say, 'Praise the Lord'; to get him to stop you say, 'King of Kings'."

The preacher decided to try out his new mount. He got on and said, 'God is great'.

The horse started out at a nice easy gait, and the preacher rode him along the ridge line. Wanting to see what the horse would do at a gallop, he said 'Praise the Lord'.

The horse took off like a shot. This was the fastest horse he had Ever been on. He galloped for several minutes and then saw a steep drop-off ahead. It was over a 1000 feet to the bottom of the drop. The preacher became rattled and forgot the phrase to stop the horse. As he came closer, and closer, to the edge he tried everything he could think of.

Finally, as he approached the edge he cried, 'King of Kings'. The horse Stopped within inches of going over the edge. As the preacher looked down To the rocks below, and contemplated what had almost been his fate, he exclaimed, 'Praise the Lord!'.

Died in Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?"

Hit Thumb

Little Johnny and his dad went upstairs one day to hang a picture frame while mom made lunch. About twenty minutes after they went upstairs Johnny came downstairs crying.

"Whats wrong?" His mother said.

"Daddy slipped and hit his thumb with the hammer!" Said Johnny.

"Well..." said Johnny's mother."...That's nothing to cry about, daddy will be alright. Its actually kind of funny, I don't know why you didn't laugh when it happened."

"I did!" Johnny said. "I did!"

Stingey Miser

A stingy old miser who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, he finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased miser's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

An Eyeful

Walking past the big wooden fence around the insane asylum, a guy hears everyone inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

His curiosity piqued, he finds a hole in the fence and looks inside.

All of a sudden a finger shoots through the hole and pokes out his eye, and the inmates start wildly chanting,

"Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Penguins

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!"

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock", the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two AM in the morning!

The Easy Way

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.

"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Results

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Two Nudists

Two nudists were sitting on a verandah, discussing life, death, and general theories of existence. One turned to the other and said, "By the way, have you read Marx?"

"Yes, I have." Said the other. "These cane chairs are murder, aren't they?"

First Day

It was the little boy's first day at school, and he needed to go to the toilet.

"Okay," said the teacher, it's the door on the right at the end of the corridor.

A moment later he came back to the classroom looking agitated.

"I can't find it, " he said.

The teacher repeated the directions and sent him off again.

He returned, choking back tears. "I still can't find it."

The teacher asked an older boy to show the little boy where the toilet was. When they returned, she asked if everything was alright.

The older boy said "Yes, Miss, he had his underpants on back to front."

Who's Sorry Now?

A lady had a beautiful cat that she adored. One evening as she sat stroking it by the fireside, she dreamed of her cat turning into a handsome prince.

Suddenly there was a flash of light, and lo and behold, there stood before her the most handsome prince anyone could possibly imagine.

The prince took her hand in his and murmured, "Aren't you sorry now that you took me to the vet last week?"

No Waste

A tourist visiting an outback town was impressed to see stuffed boars heads on the wall of the local café. He checked the menu. Ham sandwiches, roast pork, pig's feet, bacon and pork chops.

Being Jewish, he sighed and asked for a glass of water.

"I'd better warn you," said the waitress, " we only have bore water here."

"Blimey," exclaimed the tourist. "You don't waste anything, do you!"