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MAMALADE
Irish Jokes
Contents......
All on one page, but you can hop to -
Pedestrian crossing
Paddy slips
Long life
Obituary
Mistaken identity
Duck Shooting
Digging Holes
Irish Builders
On Holiday
Irish Drivers
Revenge
It Evens Out
The Magic Slide
Pedestrian crossing
Paddy was
in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic
cop
on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and
shouted,
"Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had
shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and
said,
"Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Paddy slips
Paddy was
staggering home with a bottle of whisky in his back pocket when
he
slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
Long
Life
Three
Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub
late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old
graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," said Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's
grave,
God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", said Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says
here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yelled out, "Hey, here's a fella that got to be 145
years old!"
"What was his name?" asked Paddy.
Shamus lit a match to see what else
was written on the stone marker, and exclaimed, "Miles, from Dublin."
Obituary
Shamus opened
the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend
Mick.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Shamus. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Mick. "Where are you callin' from?"
Mistaken identity
Two
Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately,
Pat?"
Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
His friend asked, "well what d'ye mean by that?"
Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was
Mulligan,and he saw a
chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was
neither of us."
Duck
Shooting
Two Irishmen
were out duck-shooting. They had their guns and dogs and
walked
for hours with no success. Dropping into the pub on the way back they
listened
with envy to all the other hunters who had obviously been very
successful.
"Where do you think we went
wrong?" asked one.
His friend thought for a
minute.
"You know, I think it must
be that we're not throwing the dogs high enough."
Two Irishmen
were out shooting ducks. One took aim and hit a bird which
tumbled
out of the sky to land at his feet.
"Ah, you should have saved
the bullet," said the other.
The fall would have killed
him, anyway."
Digging
Holes
Two Irish
companies were competing for a contract to put up telegraph
poles.
The authorities decided to test them, seeing which company could put up
the most poles in an hour. The first company achieved twenty but when
the
second company's tally came in it was only two.
"I'm afraid you lost the
job", the second company was told, "the other boys managed twenty to
your
two."
"Ah," came the reply, "but
they cheated. Did you see how much they left sticking out of the
ground?"
An Irishman
was digging a hole in a road when a passerby asked him what he
was going
to do with all the soil.
"Ah, well," he replied,
" I'll dig another hole."
"But what if it doesn't
all fit in?"
"Oh, I've thought of that,"
said the Irishman, "I'll dig the next hole deeper."
A passerby
watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the
other was
immediately filling them in again.
"Tell me," said the passerby,
"What on earth are you doing?"
"Well," said the digger,"Usually
there are three of us. I dig, Paddy plants the tree and Mick fills in
the
hole. Today Paddy is off ill, but that doesn't mean Mick and I get the
day off, does it?"
Irish
Builders
An Irishman
fell a hundred feet from a building site and asked if he was hurt by
the
fall.
"Indeed not," he replied,
"It wasn't the fall that hurt me at all, it was the sudden stop."
An Irishman
was working so hard on a building site carrying bricks up the ladder
that
his mate got worried.
"What's up with you, working
so hard?" he asked.
"Don't worry," said the
other, I've got them all fooled. It's the same load of bricks each
time."
On
Holiday
Two
Irishmen
were on holiday in the United States and went to see Niagara falls.
Over drinks one night, one
bet the other $500 he couldn't carry him across the falls on a
tightrope.
After a very scary trip
his friend managed to deposit him safely at the far end and the $500
was
duly handed over.
"Pity," said the loser,
"when you wobbled half way across I was sure I had won."
An Irishman
rang the airport and asked "How long does it take to fly to London?"
"Just a minute, Sir." came
the reply.
"Thanks" said the Irishman
and put the phone down.
Two
Irishmen are flying home from London.
Shortly after taking off
there is a big explosion and the pilot announces that one of the
engines
has gone and the flight will take 20 minutes longer. Not long
afterwards
the pilot announces that a second engine has failed and the flight time
will longer still. Half an hour later the pilot speaks to the passenger
again to say that they are now flying on one engine and gives an even
later
arrival time.
When the plane finally lands
one Irishman turns to the other and remarks
"Just as well the fourth
engine kept going or we'd have been up there all night."
An American
tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans are.
"Gee, we've even put a man
on the moon."
"That's nothing," replied
the Irishman,"we're going to put a man on the sun."
"Don't be stupid," said
the American," "he'll fry before he even gets there."
"Oh no, he won't. We're
sending him at night."
Irish
Drivers
Two
Irishmen had filled a cart with hay and were driving it out of the
field
onto a narrow road and into the path of an oncoming car. The other
driver
jammed on
his brakes just in time and swerved into the field they had just left.
"Thank the Lord," said one
Irishman to the other.
"We only just got out of
that field in time."
Irish
Revenge
An Irishman
had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad
with
grief when
coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.
He grabbed a pistol and
pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing.
"What do you think you're
laughing at," he cried, "you're next."
Last wish
An
Irishman's last wish was to be buried at sea, which was most
unfortunate for his three
friends who died digging the grave.
It Evens
Out
One Irishman
was explaining to the other how the Lord often compensates
for
a person's natural deficiencies.
"You see," he said, "If
someone is a bit blind he might have a very good sense of hearing, or
if
his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen sense of smell."
"I agree with you," said
the other. "I've always noticed that if someone has one short leg, the
other one is always just that little bit longer."
It's always
puzzled me," said the Irishman looking up from his
newspaper,"how
everytime the Lord gets it right. People always seem to be dying in
alphabetical
order."
The Magic
Slide
An
Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go
on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them.
"This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout
out on the way down."
"I'm game for this," says the Welshman and slides down the
helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough,
when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of
pounds worth of gold coins.
The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice.
At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.
The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide
shouts "WEEEEEEE!"
Have you visited the Hunger
Site today? You can donate food to the hungry and it cost's you
nothing!
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