Make Them Laugh
Speech No.3 in the Toastmasters Advanced Manual "The Entertaining Speaker"
Manual
Date presented: October, 2003
The objectives of this speech were:
- To prepare a humorous speech drawn from your own experience.
- To strengthen the speech by adapting and personalizing humorous material from outside sources..
- To deliver the speech in a way that makes the humour effective.
Time 5 to 7 minutes.
The Phantom Motorbike Rider.
Tonight I'm going to tell you....
Listen! Is that a motorbike? It's coming closer! Quick hide!
BrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.........
Phew, that was close! He looked like a normal motorbike rider, didn't he? Well don't let him fool you... he's the phantom motorbike rider!
Forewarned is forearmed. If I hadn't stayed up late the other night and read the legend of the Phantom Motorbike Rider, I wouldn't have known about this evil monster who rides through the night in search of victims. It's a tale of horror and such grisly details, if I were tell you, you would be afraid to venture out of this building tonight.
It was well after midnight when I finished reading the gruesome story. It was a hot night, but I found I was shivering and my skin had turned to goosebumps. I went to the door and called in the cat. “Oscar!” The street was dark and silent. Only my house was still lit up like a beacon – or a well marked target. I quickly closed the door and locked it. I went into every room and checked all the windows. I looked in the wardrobe and under the bed before heading into the bathroom.
While I was lathering myself with soap, I heard soft scraping sounds on the other side of the bathroom door. And then, the door pushed open – just far enough for a long hairy arm to reach in and grope toward me. I yelled... “Oh Oscar, you wretched cat!” I threw the soap at the cat as it ran out of the room.
I hurriedly completed my ablutions and headed for my bed.
That's when I heard it! BrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....
I leapt into bed and pulled the covers over my head as the sound receded into the distance. Phew! He didn't get me. Not this time!
Next day the dark circles under my eyes drew some comments. “Been out on the town all night, have you?” joked my colleagues. How could I tell them I had lain awake all night waiting for the phantom to return? It seemed ridiculous now – in broad daylight.
But as night approached, I wished I didn't live alone. I wished there was someone with me when the back door rattled in the wind and the tree branch swayed and tapped against my window. I would have liked some company when the neighbours dog howled. OOOOoooooooo!
Once again, I secured my fortress and prepared for bed. There's nothing to be afraid of, I told myself. There's, no such thing as a Phantom Motorbike Rider! But wait! What was that sound? BrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......
I burrowed under the bedclothes and huddled there shivering till morning. No one commented on my appearance the next day, but I received some strange looks and heard them whispering behind my back.
The next night, I didn't even bother to prepare for bed. I locked the doors, turned out the lights early and sat huddled in my armchair.... waiting.... listening....
I had almost dozed off when I heard heavy footsteps outside. I sat frozen in horror as they came up my stairs and stopped at my door. I heard a fumbling sound, then the lock on my door was turned and the door swung open.
I crouched and shielded my face as the light was clicked on.
“What are you doing in the dark?” asked my son Joel. “I thought you were out, so I let myself in.”
“Oh... I was just going to bed...” I tried to act nonchalant. I had always told him there was no such thing as ghosts.
“I just walked around to borrow a book,” he said.
“I'll make coffee,” I offered, hoping he would stay a while.
“Thanks,” he disappeared into the bathroom.
I heard the phantom coming. I dropped a cup and dived under the table. BrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..... It missed me again and sped away just as Joel came back into the kitchen.
“Hear that noise?” he asked.
“Well, yes.” I said. “Now that you mention it, I think I did hear something.”
“Your toilet needs a new float valve,” he said. “That's the sound our toilet made when the valve went. I'll get one tomorrow and bring it around.
And so he did.
The phantom hasn't been back since then. But if you hear a motorbike, get out of the way!
You never know!
COMMENTS
This went over very well, especially as the theme of our meeting was "Halloween."